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Bah

Jun. 5th, 2007 | 05:25 pm

I'm so sick of being mentally attracted to people and then being physically unattracted. I dont think my standards are too high, maybe i just dont find the kind of people who are mentally attractive physically attractive. Or maybe i just have really bad luck *sigh*

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Beautiful Day

May. 27th, 2007 | 02:59 pm
music: Flavor of the Week

What a beautiful day. When i left for Ann Arbor this morning, and in fact all the way there and half the way back it was raining, but now that I am back it is a cool sunny day. I really want to go play catch, so much so that i retrieved my mits from my parents' house and bought a ball. However as always, i have all the pieces of the puzzle save one : another person. Anyone want to play catch?

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Quandry

May. 26th, 2007 | 02:09 pm

Why is it so hard sometimes for me to do things. Why is it that sometimes a simple task will be almost, if not completely, physically beyond me. It may even be something I need to do, but I will be absolutely unable to make myself do it. Stuff like going up and talking to people I don't know is one thing, i mean thats mildly scary even for someone without the kind of problems I have, so my inability to do that at least makes some semblence of sense. But simple stuff, maybe household chores, why are those sometimes so difficult. Its inexplicable.

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Gone

May. 20th, 2007 | 05:37 am
mood: cynicalcynical

What happened to the days where I could have fun on my own. For the last week i've pretty much isolated myself, not by preferance but more by circumstance. I've been trying to get together some people over to play DnD but the vast majority of them aren't friends, its just something to break up the monotony of life. My house has fallen into clutter at my lack of attention. Its not dirty so to speak, because nothing is unclean, its just cluttered. This is made worse by my occasional mad attempts to find something...anything to do. I'll go through the house like a whirlwind pulling things off shelves, then dismissing them and tossing them aside trying to find something, anything to do. Nothing seems to have any enjoyment, everything is void of all but the most instantaneous entertainment value, often gone before i've even begun.

For the last two hours i've been doing some cleaning around the house. It has gone well, except for the fact that its beginning to dig things up. As i've been alone, sitting here feeling bad about myself i've kind of become numb, as i start around the house again and begin to get my spirits up, i realize again all that I have and how i have no-one to share it with. I want to share what i have with others, I don't want to watch a movie by myself, i want to watch it with someone so we can discuss it. I don't want to play video games by myself, i want to play them with someone so we can laugh and have fun together. I know when i'm having a really good time because my smile muscles begin to hurt, and that hasn't happened since a girl i dated almost 3 months ago. I dated her for two weeks. Before that i know for a fact it hadn't happened since 06. I know life has its ups and downs, and as i look into my past i see periods of lonliness, of course, but this one has lasted so long, much longer than any of the others. Since i was 16 i havn't gone this long without a relationship, and that bothers me. I even have less friends now than I ever had, seeing as how i dont even have aquaintences. Perhaps that isn't true, maybe i have the same number of friends but its more crippling because i dont even have aquaintences. Either way I am so very alone here.

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Medicine

Apr. 29th, 2007 | 12:31 am

Alright well after being off all my meds for a little more than a month its clear that i have some sort of anxiety disorder. Depression? Well that remains to be seen, i'm certainly exhibiting symptoms of depression, but am I sleeping better? Not really, so if that problem isn't fixed then i cant begin to hypothesize on anything else. Anyway this social anxiety disorder is only one of many problems working to cripple me right now, and it needs to be fixed. I'll have to call the Dr. tommorow and see what he thinks I should do. I don't really want to go back on the Lexapro, perhaps he will have a different suggestion for an anti-anxiety medication. So i guess thats just about all there is to that. Maybe more later, things aren't all bad, not a lot of hope, but things aren't all bad.

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Why

Apr. 27th, 2007 | 12:30 pm
mood: distresseddistressed

Why can't I forget her. Why can't I keep myself from thinking about her at least once every day. I can't forget her bright eyes, her soft hair. I can't stop thinking about that feeling of pure joy that shot through my entire body when I saw her smile. I miss how she understood, and so did I. I miss hearing that unique tenure of her voice that made me smile every time i heard it. Do I want to forget? What a question. I really have no choice, since i have no chance, this is simply torture on myself. The biggest question i ask myself is 'if i have never met anyone like her before, will i ever meet anyone like her before again' and 'if not, how could I ever settle for second best'. What should I do.

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Bad Day

Apr. 24th, 2007 | 03:35 pm
mood: disappointeddisappointed

Well another day much like the others. I've made a bunch of concerted efforts to meet people and they have all failed. I am getting depressed by that fact which is effecting the rest of my life, and its a downward spiral from there. In the last 8 days i have driven 2100 miles! That makes me a lot of money but its long depressing work, it seems like all i can do while i'm on the road is think about failed relationships and get depressed about how i have no prospects. I'm also having trouble getting foundations done, i cant get ahold of any of the stupid people who are supposed to mark the graves for me, and my deadline is coming up. Stress + Lonliness = beginning of another breakdown. I deal really well with stress usually, but my other problem isn't getting any better, and even though i am trying my ass off the concurrent failures i keep suffering almost make things worse. Not helping matters is the fact that my throat seems to be taking forever to fully heal so my sleep apnea is not any better, and the fact that yesterday doing dishes i sliced my right index finger open bad enough to need to go to the ER and get 3 stitches. Things just keep turning up Ben o_o

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Money

Apr. 23rd, 2007 | 12:27 pm
mood: annoyedannoyed

Alright, well I make a lot of money. For someone my age I make a hell of a lot of money. I'm generally happy and quite proud of this fact, but recently something has become more and more obvious: it in and of itself is not making me happy. What makes me happy about money is being able to share it with people. Sure i love my TV and my gaming systems and surround sound and all that jazz, but like i'm going to sit there and watch a movie by myself? Thats just depressing as hell. Even video games don't have their spark anymore. Yes i have a dream video game set-up, but playing them all I can think of is: god i am lonely, why cant i find a girlfriend. I'm guessing that if I had someone, even some good friends, i would feel less lonely and other things would feel fun again, but as it is the lonliness literally crushes everything. As I drive to Ann Arbor for work all I can think of on the 5 hour drive is how lonely I am, thinking about friendship opportunities lost, past failures, etc. I can't seem to curb this, and i'm not even sure I should, its my body's way of saying STOP BEING LONELY I AM LITERALLY DYING HERE. Anyway just a rant, if anyone knows anyone single drop me a line, i've been on a lot of dates lately and they have all been horrible, but i'm more than willing to try again. At least I am not 'desperate' yet, i am just going through a little personal hell.

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Bad Night

Apr. 18th, 2007 | 04:18 am
mood: aggravatedaggravated

In the words of the great Ozzy Osbourne, my haunted head wont leave me alone. I've been waking up on the hour every half hour for the last 5 hours, and now its 4 am. I'm haunted by dreams, specificly of friendship lost. Every time i close my eyes i relive the pain of rejection, of being utterly shunned, and it hurts like hell every single time. I dont want to go to sleep anymore, but i cant stay up. Well 4th time is a charm i guess, even though no-one says that, maybe this time i wont be mysteriously shrunken down and chased, that was unpleasant.

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Home Again

Apr. 14th, 2007 | 11:59 pm
mood: melancholymelancholy

Alright well i'm home again. Life isn't the drastic change I had kind of hoped it will be, but maybe once the swelling goes down i will be able to notice some changes. I am hoping so. Overall still pretty lonely here, just kind of chilling by myself each day, trying to make it through until bedtime without falling into that pit of depression. Doing pretty decently, but I'm also not acomplishing as much as I had hoped I would once I got home. I got a bunch of the stuff I wanted to do done, i guess thats a step in the right direction, though i obviously have much farther to go. Recovery is coming along quite well, i am able to eat pretty much anything as long as its a few hours or more after i wake up, i'm obviously not taking any meds while i am sleeping, so when i wake up my throat is kind of tender and swallowing isn't really pleasant but i can do it. As soon as i get my first pain medication of the day flowing i can eat anything, and i am able to space the pain meds out quite a bit without any loss in function. Well thats it for today, time to turn in, tommorow is another day, maybe it will go a bit better than today. I can only hope each day gets a bit better as i put one foot in front of the other. Progress.

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